Balloons
by artemissan09
Summary: MMHG. An alleged one-shot that has turned into utter chaos! YES! An entire plot based around...Balloons, of course...: It is sad, but it is entertaining, and I hope it helps to cure the MMHG hunger pains on the site...lol
1. Blowloons?

**Balloons**

**AN: Yes, I am working (slightly) on the next chapter of Seemingly Simple, but the only thing I have is the outline…I am trying to work out my scribbles to see what I scratched, but it is proving fruitless at the moment. So to cure the lack of MMHG fics that have been out there, here is some nonsense about…you guessed it…BALLOONS! That will hopefully put some sunshine into your day…:) **

"Do you think she'll be surprised, though?" Asked Pomona Sprout as she opened yet another box of decorations.

"I am not entirely sure that 'surprised' is the appropriate word. I was thinking something along the lines of-" Poppy Promfrey was interrupted as she hung a banner over the doorway.

"Infuriated beyond all reason?" Finished one Xiomara Hooch while offering Pomona a set of extra hands with the décor.

"Really, what was Albus thinking?" Pomona ranted. "I mean honestly…wait a moment," she picked up a plastic bag out of the box. "what are these obscene looking things?"

Xiomara picked up another of the obscure bags. "Aren't these the decorations from Hermione?" She questioned as she hesitantly opened one.

"Oh yes. What did she say they were again? Blowloons?" She asked, walking over to seek out the 'blowloons.'

"No, it says here, BALLOONS." Xiomara pulled one of the colourful rubber objects from the bag and flipped it over. "But blowloons makes more sense…I think we are supposed to blow into them and fill them with air."

"Wait, but here it says to fill them with 'He.'.." Poppy interjected as she read on.

Pomona's faced dawned an expression of complete and utter confusion. "These crazy muggles! Really, what man is going to fit into that thing?"

Poppy looked up from the bag and examined a red, unblown balloon in the light as if she were gazing into a vial of the latest healing potion. "Well," she concluded, "Filius is small, but I don't think even _he_ can fit into one of these."

Xiomara finished reading the package and almost died in laughter. "Oh my!" She held her sides as the laughter rolled on. "Not 'He'!" She giggled. "What fools we are!"

"Poppy dear, do you have a potion for fits like these?" questioned Pomona as she stared in disbelief at her friend.

"No, no! I'm fine…" Xiomara finally stopped her spasm and wiped her eyes where tears of sheer fun had formed. "Helium, dears…Helium. If we want the balloons to float we need Helium."

"Helium? Well, I'm sure we'll find none of that around here," said Poppy as she placed her hands on her hips in near hopelessness.

Pomona scratched her scraggily kempt head. "Hmm…Speaking of Flitwick, that gives me an idea. Why don't we just blow air into the balloons and charm them to float for the duration of the evening?"

Xiomara placed a hand on her comerade's shoulder. "An excellent idea! I think a simple levitating charm should do the trick," she continued as she stretched the balloon she was about to blow into.

Just as Xiomara put her mouth around the neck of the balloon while everyone gazed in awe and anticipation, Professor Granger came bursting through the doors of the staff lounge.

Panting, she placed her hand over her racing heart. "So sorry I'm late. Devon Harper, a student, a Hufflepuff, no less!" Hermione shot a death glare at Pomona. "Wanted to know why his paper was bleeding."

Poppy gasped in horror. "I specifically told them all along that those charms were forbidden in this school!"

Hermione continued on. "I tried to explain to the dear little chubby thing that his paper was in fact _not _bleeding."

"Well, what happened then?" Inquired Xiomara.

Hermione picked up an emerald balloon. "It took me no less than twenty minutes to tell him in short that his paper was merely dreadful, and that the corrections were made by my hand in red ink."

Pomona sighed. "I suppose I'll be called later to check on the poor dear. Thanks, Hermione…Professor Binns might have been as interesting as white knickers, but you take no prisoners."

"Well, I learned from the best, didn't I?" said Hermione. "Now, these balloons aren't going to blow themselves up. Hop to!" Hermione ordered as she blew into the balloon.

* * *

"Really, Albus! What was so important that you had to pull me away from my papers? You know it is close to the end of term, and I am far too busy to be discussing the properties of a sherbert lemon or something of the sort," ranted Minerva McGonagall with her arms crossed at her chest while Albus Dumbledore ushered her into his office.

"My dear, I'm sure you will manage, but we have an emergency meeting that cannot wait, I'm afraid," Albus stated gazing over his half-moon spectacles while offering his deputy a seat.

Minerva became perplexed by the severity in the headmaster's voice. "Whatever is this meeting about?" she questioned while fingering her collar nervously.

Albus popped a bright, yellow, acidic, and altogether infamous little ball of joy into his mouth. "Well, as you know, this weather as of late has been extremely dry," he explained as his rosy cheeks began to pucker. "and I'm afraid that the Whomping Willow is beginning to wither."

Minerva wanted nothing more at this particular moment than to slap the candy out of his mouth. Honestly! A bloody tree? How absurd. "Albus," she began as she massaged her temples in agony. "it's only a tree. Can't Pomona deal with it?"

"I have yet to speak with anyone about the matter, but I am sure she is aware of it," replied Albus with an alarmingly stoic tone in his voice. "And besides, the Whomping Willow is deeply rooted, if you will excuse the pun, into Hogwarts' history." He shot Minerva a slight disciplinary look that left a pang of guilt in her chest. "If one member of the staff feels that saving the tree is possible, then I expect every member of this staff to give their full support."

Silence filled the air following this statement. So many thoughts were running through Minerva's mind. 'Is he sincerely pressing this matter? Should I feel a bit guilty for suggesting its insignificance to me?'

Her thoughts were abruptly interrupted by Albus. "Your face reads like an open book, dear. It is, if I may be so bold, one of the finest qualities you possess."

The deputy blushed at the comment from one of her closest friends. "Why thank you, but I hope you weren't alluding to my age, Albus."

Albus smiled. The old bastard gave that smile that spoke of mischief and mayhem…That smile that Harry Potter had witnessed on many occasions. "Why no my dear, but speaking of age," he paused to gaze at his deputy. "isn't it your birthday today?"

"Well yes, but as you well know, after forty years on this earth, I stopped celebrating." Minerva sighed at the thought of her age and then she thought of the large gap between Hermione and herself. She almost shuddered, but on the inside her heart dropped through her stomach. Ever since the grown woman had come back to take the position of professor Binns, Minerva had begun to notice ceratin…ASSpects…that had previously gone under the radar during her student years.

Albus turned the page in the book of Minerva and was not surprised by what he found there. "Well, then I'm sure it will be no real issue to join us at the meeting, no?"

Minerva thought of the bottle of scotch in her quarters and the sad and lonely evening that was waiting for her arrival. "No, not at all Albus…not at all." She gave a rare smile as she replied.

Albus raised himself from the chair at his desk. "Then let us make our way to the lounge…I'm afraid the tree is not getting wetter or younger."

He offered Minerva his arm and he chuckled as she softly muttered, "Nor am I, unfortunately…"

And so the pair made their way to the lounge, and toward an evening that proved to have…interesting…effects.

**AN: As usual, I have completely ignored book six in this lovely series in which we so often meddle…it is an AU and the title is mildly irrelevant right now, but you will soon see their significance…lol. ****This started out as a one-shot, but it is developing into a full story based on nothing except for a CAT AND A BALLOON!! **

**!**

**I can't believe it myself, but I am enjoying the ride of writing it. I hope you are too, and I would love to hear from you all!!**

**Much love,**

**Ashton**


	2. A Brilliant Plan Gone Terribly Horriffic

Balloons

Chapter Two

**AN: So here is the second and final instalment of Balloons. It is my most unreviewed MMHG work, but it was also the most fun I've ever had writing a fic…so, I guess I didn't lose a thing at all!! I hope you all who are still reading enjoyed it just as much as I have… : - ) **

"It's almost eight! They should be here any minute!" Pomona practically shouted as the anticipation began to bubble beneath her equally bubbly persona.

"Places everyone!" Xiomara commanded as the entirety of the Hogwarts' staff ran frantically Chinese Fire Drill style to their random hiding places throughout the ornately decorated room.

When everyone was nearly invisible, minus Hagrid, who was doing his best to hide underneath the large meeting table, the lighting was diminished and all was set. Now all that they needed was Minerva and Albus to come prancing through the doors, deeply engrossed in the issue of the Whomping Willow. It was an idea brought by Hagrid, of all people, when he was observing the grounds with Fang, and the great dumb brute hand gone to fetch a stick, but he soon and painfully found out that it was in fact an uprooted underbranch of the parched tree.

"Shh! I think they're coming!" Hissed Xiomara from behind a stack of presents.

"Oh yes, Albus, after undoing the damage done by Potter and Weasley, I can understand the concern for the tree," rambled Minerva as the pair opened the door to the lounge.

"Oh my. Albus…Are you sure we're in the right-"

"SURPRISE!"

Minerva's heart nearly skipped a few beats as the lights came up and everyone popped out. Hagrid, in his excited efforts, had overturned the large table under which he had been trying to hide.

Her next reaction caused everyone present to burst into a roar of laughter. Minerva turned immediately to Albus and slapped him across his cheek. Not hard, mind you, but still violent enough to cause a slight sting. "Well my dear, I knew you didn't care for surprises, but I also didn't think you would take it _that _bad."

Everyone save Minerva chuckled again. "Albus Dumbledore!" She huffed. "You had me pouring my heart out over that damn tree! I HATE that old thing!"

A single tear rolled down Pomona's cheek as she pulled out a jar containing a dead branch from said tree. As she stroked it lovingly, she cooed, "She didn't mean it, love…don't you listen to her…"

At this very moment, Severus Snape came rushing through the door, panting as if he had just completed a marathon. "What on earth…Big crash…Everything ok?"

Minerva stared at the man with a raised eyebrow. "Yes." She replied stoically.

Hagrid brushed himself off and stood from the floor. "Yeh. Jus' had a sligh' mishap with the table here, is all."

Severus finally caught his fingers through his hair coolly. "Good lord, I was brewing a hydrating serum for the tree when the whole thing was suddenly shot to hell…I suppose the tremors came from your accident, Hagrid…"

More words of the Whomping Willow infuriated Minerva to the brink of insanity. "For Merlin's sake, it's a TREE!" she ranted, waving her arms about. "For all I care, it would be of greater use cut and polished into some decent brooms for the quidditch teams!"

Hermione's jaw nearly hit the floor as she witnessed the first meltdown from her (beloved and beyond) former professor.

Hermione had always admired her marm of a Transfiguration professor, but ever since she had become part of the staff at Hogwarts and had gotten closer to Minerva, Hermione had begun to develop a taste for Ginger Newts and Tea late in the evening.

They would chat about everything from students to staff and beyond, and had formed a deeper bondage…erm, bond, as Hermione shook her head.

"Now, who wants cake?" Hermione declared as she tried to cut through the thick chord of tension.

Xiomara, who was rather exhausted from all the planning and prepping, decided that cake was not a strong enough remedy for the ailment she had developed. "Bugger the damn cake!" She cried. "What's a birthday celebration without liquor?"

Hagrid became so enthused at this particular exclamation that he raised his fist into the air with a roar of agreement.

Everyone stopped and stared for what seemed an eternity until finally everyone eventually shrug their shoulders in passive compliance and decided, "TO HELL WITH IT!"

So, as unseemingly horrific as this may sound, it did indeed come to pass. And, as seemingly as can be assumed, it was horrific.

Severus had somehow managed to find himself nude by a third round of drinks, and by the fifth, he was wearing Xiomara's drawers and her bra was fastened around his chest.

Flitwick was seated in Hagrid's shoe, where he was stroking his beard and singing lullabies to it.

Pomona and Poppy were on their heads propped up against the wall in hopes to add some time onto their lives. (Which was, quite sadly, the most logical idea of the entire evening.)

Minerva had banned Hermione from consuming any more alcohol when, during only the second round, she had declared herself the queen of boobs, and went to take her top off.

Albus had snuck out unnoticed sometime between a drunken Hagrid trying to kiss him and a pissed Minerva trying to hex him.

So here was Minerva, the only "sober" soul left in this motley crew. Realizing that this evening was exactly what she had planned only with extra entertainment, Minerva decided to cut her losses and drink until she couldn't tell if she was wearing knickers.

Hermione was lying on the floor in a semi-conscious state, complaining about being slightly chilly.

Being a decent drunk and an even better sport, Minerva decided she had a good way to keep her warm. She sat her empty glass on a nearby sleeping half-giant and fought with all her half-drunken might to transfigure into her cat form. On the first try she merely managed a tail, and on the second she still had hair pins fastened to her ears. By the time she had finally gotten it right, Poppy and Pomona had fallen over, exhausted.

She glanced over to see Severus and Xio spooning, with Xiomara's hands inside the bra around the potion master's chest. Another look showed Filius' legs dangling over the top of Hagrid's gargantuan boot.

Then she turned to Hermione. There was something strangely attractive about the flush to her cheeks and the way she was sprawled on the floor. "Oh hello, kitty," she said softly as Minerva gently placed all four paws on the young woman's torso.

"Meow," cried Minerva as Hermione began to stroke her gray coat. Hermione smiled contently when Minerva began to purr somewhat like an old automobile.

The tabby started to knead her paws as cats often do before they lay down in comfort.

The stroking slowly subsided and the chill left the young woman. Something about Minerva's presence so intimately close put her at a warming ease.

Soon all were sleeping with thoughts of love, comfort, friendship, youth, and even growth spurts winding through their dreams.

* * *

Albus lay in his bed, thinking of the novel to be read tomorrow as Minerva woke from her drunken splendour. He soon too, drifted off to sleep, and for possibly the first time in Hogwarts' history, all was still and peaceful.

Until…

Morning dawned. Yes, early Saturday morning came as such mornings often do. However, as Albus strolled into the very room he had just previously been mere hours ago, he realized that his colleagues were still in a half-sedated slumber.

Now, I know what thoughts are being thought right now.

Everyone assumes that Albus Million Middle Names Dumbledore is the most sincere and sensitive wizard to ever exist. Oh no, dear reader, while a chivalrous wizard he may be, also is he merely a member of the male species. Thus, he found himself unable to resist a devastatingly male moment.

He placed his hands in his pockets, raised an eyebrow mischievously, and chewed the inside of his cheek while rocking back and forth from heel to toe.

And it came to him.

It came to him like a bee comes to honey…and how SWEET this maniacal scheme would be…

Albus sat on the overturned table and glanced around the room of dischord. To Xiomara and Severus, to Pomona and Poppy, to Filius and the Boot, to Hagrid and…well, Albus assumed that this is where his name would go, to Minerva and Hermione, and …to the balloons…The round and colourful rubber orbs floating playfully as if they were gossiping about the events of last night to one another.

Then he listened.

Not a sound! The still and placid unmoving peace rang almost as intensely as if a war were going on in another world.

He glanced once more up at the ceiling full of balloons and listened just ever so much harder.

He closed his eyes and stretched his arms forth and upward.

(Wait, does anyone else perceive a vision of Moses here?? Lol…)

In a small and insignificant moment, a very large and infamous mishap occurred.

**KABOOM!**

The sound was that of several canons, and the disturbance had quite predictable effects.

All shot up immediately, but the best reaction came from the gray tabby. So spooked was the cat that it raced, fur on end, frantically searching for a place to perch.

Unfortunately for Severus Snape, such a place was his head. She absolutely refused to move, terrified beyond belief. Severus gave his best efforts to remove her, but her biting upon his knuckles made it damn near impossible!

Hermione rushed over, whispering soft words of comfort. "Shh…There there, it was only the balloons, love!"

Finally Minerva calmed herself and came out of her cat form…still perched atop Severus' head full of hair.

Albus could not find the means to stop his rolling laughter. "Minerva…" He giggled. "I thought you were afraid of nothing! Balloons?!" He continued. "Minerva McGonagall…scared of BALLOONS!"

Now, as we all know and understand Minerva's Scottish temper, (not to mention early in the morning after an evening of alcohol) we are not surprised by the events that next came to pass.

"Albus. Dumbledore." She snarled choppily. "I'll give your sorry arse a gracious five second head start, but be warned, I am deadly fast in cat form." Her tone was so serious that no one in the room dared to breathe.

Albus stopped his laughter immediately and just stood as if he were bronzed.

By the time Minerva had counted to three, prowling ever closer, Albus took off at a dead sprint…To where, he had no idea, but he had to go away, and quickly, as Minerva began to gain on him.

Back in the room, Hermione sighed. "I give him three minutes. Tops."

His cries could still be heard throughout the corridors. "Now Minerva, be reasonable!"

Pomona shook her head as she pulled Filius from the boot by his stubby leg. "I told you the blowloons were a mistake."

The last thing anyone heard was a loud and unforgiving hiss and an ear piercing scream as yet another balloon, as if on cue, burst to jolt everyone and cause an ironic wave of laughter.

So there was a mess at Hogwarts, the staff was in disarray, and Minerva and Albus were battling…

All was restored to normal in the castle, all thanks to…

Balloons.

**AN2: okay, so that is the end of it! It wasn't as much MMHG as I'm used to, but I enjoyed being outside my little dramatic box for if only a little while…lol. Like I said, the story came to me as my kitty popped a balloon in my house…(I HATE balloons!!) Thanks to hermin22, who helped me conceptualize this fic, and I dedicate it to all who are afraid of little things they shouldn't be afraid of….much love!**

**Ashton**


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